Not my story to Not tell
This past week I was given the opportunity to work a fundraiser in Oklahoma. It was a fun opportunity to work a state fair and meet some great people. I am a people person! I like to talk and get to know the people I work with, and I just like to talk. I like to hear people's stories and where they come from. During the week I built relationships that later led to many open doors to talk about what they believe. It was a great week up until Thursday night. Now I know some may wonder why I am about to share this story, and as I prayed about it that's exactly what I asked God. My response was this! It's not my story to not share. I don't know the why, but I do know God's led me to share these details with you. I have to trust that He knows the why.
Thursday was a quiet day at the fair. It was a slow crowd probably because most were either at school or work. I remember a friend telling me "what does it mean to you the calm before the storm"? I pondered on it and later during break we read through the story of Matthew 8 where Jesus falls asleep in the boat, a storm arises, and then the disciples become afraid. QUESTION? Why if these were men who were fisherman and probably knew the conditions for a storm , then why would they become afraid? Why also if they have more then likely been caught in a similar storm before, then why did they panic? Why if they knew who Jesus was, and they knew He was with them, then why did they panic? I kept thinking it's like us when we get scared, we forget He's with us.
Later as the night progressed I continued to ponder these five words, and I didn't know it, but I was soon to find out. As I stood there talking to a co worker who I had begun to build a relationship with the unthinkable happened. I stood there as this man sexually assaulted me. It happened so fast that I was in complete shock. This man thought this was a funny way of joking around. Well here is the news break! Sexual assault is NEVER a joke, and it certainly is Never Okay. At first I struggled with what had happened. I didn't know what to feel, what to say, or how to act. As action was taken I felt even more angry. These 5 words kept coming back to me. Did I react the same way the disciples did? Yes! Why? Because in the moment I forgot that He was with me. I flipped a switch. I got angry, I cursed, and I threw up old walls. I wanted no one to know. I felt that if no one knew then it was my little secret. You see no one needed to know, because then I could protect myself. I was angry, hurt, and completely violated. I have wrestled with past abuse resurfacing, and people saying really stupid things to me. I wrestled through my thoughts and this has hit me " I am no one's victim"! "I am captive of my thoughts, and none of this abuse has any weight on me. I have forgiven the man who hurt me, and I am ready to move on. It hit me hard when I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to share this with you, but again this is not my story to hide. I know there are woman and young ladies who have experienced the same kind of violation, and no one can say anything to make you feel better. No words can heal that wound except the Word of Truth. Reminding yourself that you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). Telling yourself that you are beautiful, and you are your beloved's (Song of Solomon 2:16). I am a Lilly among thorns (Song of Solomon 2:2). Reminding yourself that you are more than a conquer through Christ Jesus (Romans 8:37). When we speak the truth over every lie the enemy fills our heads with, then and only then are we able to stand and fight, because this is not a battle against flesh and blood. This is a spiritual war and we need to fall to our knees and take our pain, hurt, and abuse to the feet of Jesus.
Ladies I know the hurt. I know the violation. I know what it feels like to feel dirty. I know that no matter what the story we may or may not share, no one except our heavenly Father knows how we truly feel. It's time we seek him and ask him to heal these broken areas of our hearts.
I believe the Holy Spirit gave me these words
you were bent, but you are not broken
you were scratched, but you were not shattered
you were torn, but you are not ripped
you are complete
made whole
renewed
in the depths of my hands.
YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS!!!
Thursday was a quiet day at the fair. It was a slow crowd probably because most were either at school or work. I remember a friend telling me "what does it mean to you the calm before the storm"? I pondered on it and later during break we read through the story of Matthew 8 where Jesus falls asleep in the boat, a storm arises, and then the disciples become afraid. QUESTION? Why if these were men who were fisherman and probably knew the conditions for a storm , then why would they become afraid? Why also if they have more then likely been caught in a similar storm before, then why did they panic? Why if they knew who Jesus was, and they knew He was with them, then why did they panic? I kept thinking it's like us when we get scared, we forget He's with us.
Later as the night progressed I continued to ponder these five words, and I didn't know it, but I was soon to find out. As I stood there talking to a co worker who I had begun to build a relationship with the unthinkable happened. I stood there as this man sexually assaulted me. It happened so fast that I was in complete shock. This man thought this was a funny way of joking around. Well here is the news break! Sexual assault is NEVER a joke, and it certainly is Never Okay. At first I struggled with what had happened. I didn't know what to feel, what to say, or how to act. As action was taken I felt even more angry. These 5 words kept coming back to me. Did I react the same way the disciples did? Yes! Why? Because in the moment I forgot that He was with me. I flipped a switch. I got angry, I cursed, and I threw up old walls. I wanted no one to know. I felt that if no one knew then it was my little secret. You see no one needed to know, because then I could protect myself. I was angry, hurt, and completely violated. I have wrestled with past abuse resurfacing, and people saying really stupid things to me. I wrestled through my thoughts and this has hit me " I am no one's victim"! "I am captive of my thoughts, and none of this abuse has any weight on me. I have forgiven the man who hurt me, and I am ready to move on. It hit me hard when I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to share this with you, but again this is not my story to hide. I know there are woman and young ladies who have experienced the same kind of violation, and no one can say anything to make you feel better. No words can heal that wound except the Word of Truth. Reminding yourself that you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). Telling yourself that you are beautiful, and you are your beloved's (Song of Solomon 2:16). I am a Lilly among thorns (Song of Solomon 2:2). Reminding yourself that you are more than a conquer through Christ Jesus (Romans 8:37). When we speak the truth over every lie the enemy fills our heads with, then and only then are we able to stand and fight, because this is not a battle against flesh and blood. This is a spiritual war and we need to fall to our knees and take our pain, hurt, and abuse to the feet of Jesus.
Ladies I know the hurt. I know the violation. I know what it feels like to feel dirty. I know that no matter what the story we may or may not share, no one except our heavenly Father knows how we truly feel. It's time we seek him and ask him to heal these broken areas of our hearts.
I believe the Holy Spirit gave me these words
you were bent, but you are not broken
you were scratched, but you were not shattered
you were torn, but you are not ripped
you are complete
made whole
renewed
in the depths of my hands.
YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS!!!
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