The Beauty and Pursuit
Over the past ten years I have had countless conversations with young women and men about relationships. The man wants to meet the right woman and the woman wants to meet Mr.Right. It is a topic that is wide and heavy in church circles. There seems to be a misconception about relationships. I began questioning why is this subject so complicated. I talk to many who ask me questions such as these. Why does it seem like men no longer pursue and women are walking in circles trying to figure out "does he like me, or doesn't he?" "Should a woman pursue, or should she wait for the man?"
So I went to the drawing board!
I decided to ask you. In all reality the only way we will know what each other think and believe is by asking. I came up with a few simple but deep questions to ask and I posted the poll on social media. I received many different opinions and advice. I have to say many of the responses I got back was from women and I believe while yes women's opinion matters; these were questions only a man could answer. I chose specific men of God of all various ages and I privately asked them to answer the questions. Here is what I found.
Many believe anyone can pursue anyone, but there is still a hand full of men who want to pursue.
Some of the men I spoke with said they want to pursue because it makes them feel like "the man". Men have this build in them to lead and be the head of their household. They want the challenge to pursue; it's the hunter instinct in them. While other men told me that they like a woman to pursue them and it takes the weight off them. I have thought long and hard on these answers and I have prayed about what exactly God wanted me to do with this information.
Some of the men and women I spoke with said they believe men who let the women do all the pursuing it's just a sign of laziness and lack of leadership; he will hold once in a relationship. Now I have always been raised with the understanding that men after God's heart want to be the initiator. They want to lead and they want to pursue. They want the challenge and they want to be the hunter.
Here is the thing!
The rise of women's rights and women can do all men can do has stolen the beauty of the pursuit. It has robbed the men of being gentleman. It has robbed women of experiencing an example of how God pursues us. One thing personally the Lord has shown me over the years is that I won't have to pursue. I won't have to try and figure out if any man wants me. My job is to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and not worry about my life. (Matthew 6: 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.)
I have had people tell me to get to know so and so, put yourself out there, and see what happens. But in my honest opinion if I keep seeking God and living my life as exactly who I am, then everything else will come together. I truly believe your focus is not to be on who likes who, or who doesn't notice you. When you spend your time focused on that then you are going to attract desperate people. When you set it aside and give it to God, then it happens because you're so busy living your life and building friendships that one day you look up and BOOM! You see all a sudden someone that you never even realized was standing behind you watching you.
That Ladies is how I believe God intended it! Men too!
Why are we so afraid to build relationships with each other? Why when a woman befriends a man does he automatically think she's trying to get with him? Women chill out! Enjoy your singleness and enjoy getting to know who you are before getting in to a relationship. Enjoy friendship and getting to know each other. Let God speak to the man and let God lead the man. I think of the story of Ruth. Ruth was not out looking for Boaz. Ruth was gleaning in the field to care for her former husband's mother. I believe Ruth was seeking God and walking out in obedience to her Lord. She was not looking for a mate.
Ruth 2:5-6 Then Boaz said to his servant who was in charge of the reapers, “Whose young woman is this?” 6 The servant in charge of the reapers replied, “She is the young Moabite woman who returned with Naomi from the land of Moab.
Boaz took notice of Ruth and he asked his servant who was in charge of the reapers who she was. When you are doing what God has called you to do the right man ( and I don't mean perfect!!) will take notice and he will ask about you. Ruth found favor in Boaz's sight. He took notice and started to provide and care for her. I believe this was one of the reasons Naomi gave Ruth the instructions to go before him and lay at his feet (Ruth 3:3-4). He was one of their closest relatives at the time and he had taken notice of Ruth.
Now I have to think if Ruth had run up to boaz and made an advance at him, then this story I have to think would be different. So why do women now think they have to pursue and chase a man?
Boaz took notice and he began to provide and Ruth continued to walk in obedience. She went before Boaz as she was instructed by her mentor and she left it up to Boaz after that. When you are walking in obedience God may bring godly mentor ship to encourage getting to know each other. (I said godly mentorship!!)
Many of the men I talked with told me the same thing. A woman needs to show interest, but don't scare the man. Be open and Be yourself. Hang out as friends and get to know each other as friends if it goes somewhere then great otherwise you got a cool friend.
Which brings me back to my original point! We ponder these questions. We ask millions of the WHYS! We get frustrated and then we settle for the first person who comes a long. I have to think though if women were to walk in obedience and keep their eyes on the Lord and not on a mate, then more men of God would begin to take notice. Boaz noticed Ruth's heart and obedience not her desperation to marry him. If women were to stop trying to lead and be in control of everything and they re position themselves to the EZER: the helpmate, then I believe we would see more men step up in the leadership role. How can a man step into a role of pursuit or even act like a gentleman if women shut them down and are rude? Ladies, allowing a man to hold the door open for you does not mean you're weak. It means you're humble and thankful and that you stand in the presence of a gentleman!
Also just because a man opens a door for you does not mean he's a creep and trying to holla at you, but it means that his mother taught him respect for women. The reason this subject is so complicated and confusing is because I believe women are trying to play a role they were never created for, and the men don't know what role they hold. I also believe we complicate this subject because for women when a man leads it means you have to trust that man not to hurt you. You have to trust that He has your best interest at heart. The last one! You have to believe that a man of God would actually want to pursue and be with you.
The Last and Biggest reason we complicate relationships is because we place our focus on the person and the relationship more then we focus on God. Again when you are focused on where God has placed you and you embrace the journey He has given you, then no matter male or female God's plan and purpose for your life will happen. Our singleness is not to become so impatient about marriage, or focusing on finding the RIGHT one. It is about seeking God and finding who you are in Him as a son or Daughter of Christ!
I truly believe if you change your focus then it won't matter who pursues who, or if he or she likes you because you know God's will always prevails. You also know what God has put in your heart for a mate and you won't settle for anyone less then what He has for you, and until He tells you it's okay you focus on being a son or Daughter of the King!
So I went to the drawing board!
I decided to ask you. In all reality the only way we will know what each other think and believe is by asking. I came up with a few simple but deep questions to ask and I posted the poll on social media. I received many different opinions and advice. I have to say many of the responses I got back was from women and I believe while yes women's opinion matters; these were questions only a man could answer. I chose specific men of God of all various ages and I privately asked them to answer the questions. Here is what I found.
Many believe anyone can pursue anyone, but there is still a hand full of men who want to pursue.
Some of the men I spoke with said they want to pursue because it makes them feel like "the man". Men have this build in them to lead and be the head of their household. They want the challenge to pursue; it's the hunter instinct in them. While other men told me that they like a woman to pursue them and it takes the weight off them. I have thought long and hard on these answers and I have prayed about what exactly God wanted me to do with this information.
Some of the men and women I spoke with said they believe men who let the women do all the pursuing it's just a sign of laziness and lack of leadership; he will hold once in a relationship. Now I have always been raised with the understanding that men after God's heart want to be the initiator. They want to lead and they want to pursue. They want the challenge and they want to be the hunter.
Here is the thing!
The rise of women's rights and women can do all men can do has stolen the beauty of the pursuit. It has robbed the men of being gentleman. It has robbed women of experiencing an example of how God pursues us. One thing personally the Lord has shown me over the years is that I won't have to pursue. I won't have to try and figure out if any man wants me. My job is to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and not worry about my life. (Matthew 6: 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.)
I have had people tell me to get to know so and so, put yourself out there, and see what happens. But in my honest opinion if I keep seeking God and living my life as exactly who I am, then everything else will come together. I truly believe your focus is not to be on who likes who, or who doesn't notice you. When you spend your time focused on that then you are going to attract desperate people. When you set it aside and give it to God, then it happens because you're so busy living your life and building friendships that one day you look up and BOOM! You see all a sudden someone that you never even realized was standing behind you watching you.
That Ladies is how I believe God intended it! Men too!
Why are we so afraid to build relationships with each other? Why when a woman befriends a man does he automatically think she's trying to get with him? Women chill out! Enjoy your singleness and enjoy getting to know who you are before getting in to a relationship. Enjoy friendship and getting to know each other. Let God speak to the man and let God lead the man. I think of the story of Ruth. Ruth was not out looking for Boaz. Ruth was gleaning in the field to care for her former husband's mother. I believe Ruth was seeking God and walking out in obedience to her Lord. She was not looking for a mate.
Ruth 2:5-6 Then Boaz said to his servant who was in charge of the reapers, “Whose young woman is this?” 6 The servant in charge of the reapers replied, “She is the young Moabite woman who returned with Naomi from the land of Moab.
Boaz took notice of Ruth and he asked his servant who was in charge of the reapers who she was. When you are doing what God has called you to do the right man ( and I don't mean perfect!!) will take notice and he will ask about you. Ruth found favor in Boaz's sight. He took notice and started to provide and care for her. I believe this was one of the reasons Naomi gave Ruth the instructions to go before him and lay at his feet (Ruth 3:3-4). He was one of their closest relatives at the time and he had taken notice of Ruth.
Now I have to think if Ruth had run up to boaz and made an advance at him, then this story I have to think would be different. So why do women now think they have to pursue and chase a man?
Boaz took notice and he began to provide and Ruth continued to walk in obedience. She went before Boaz as she was instructed by her mentor and she left it up to Boaz after that. When you are walking in obedience God may bring godly mentor ship to encourage getting to know each other. (I said godly mentorship!!)
Many of the men I talked with told me the same thing. A woman needs to show interest, but don't scare the man. Be open and Be yourself. Hang out as friends and get to know each other as friends if it goes somewhere then great otherwise you got a cool friend.
Which brings me back to my original point! We ponder these questions. We ask millions of the WHYS! We get frustrated and then we settle for the first person who comes a long. I have to think though if women were to walk in obedience and keep their eyes on the Lord and not on a mate, then more men of God would begin to take notice. Boaz noticed Ruth's heart and obedience not her desperation to marry him. If women were to stop trying to lead and be in control of everything and they re position themselves to the EZER: the helpmate, then I believe we would see more men step up in the leadership role. How can a man step into a role of pursuit or even act like a gentleman if women shut them down and are rude? Ladies, allowing a man to hold the door open for you does not mean you're weak. It means you're humble and thankful and that you stand in the presence of a gentleman!
Also just because a man opens a door for you does not mean he's a creep and trying to holla at you, but it means that his mother taught him respect for women. The reason this subject is so complicated and confusing is because I believe women are trying to play a role they were never created for, and the men don't know what role they hold. I also believe we complicate this subject because for women when a man leads it means you have to trust that man not to hurt you. You have to trust that He has your best interest at heart. The last one! You have to believe that a man of God would actually want to pursue and be with you.
The Last and Biggest reason we complicate relationships is because we place our focus on the person and the relationship more then we focus on God. Again when you are focused on where God has placed you and you embrace the journey He has given you, then no matter male or female God's plan and purpose for your life will happen. Our singleness is not to become so impatient about marriage, or focusing on finding the RIGHT one. It is about seeking God and finding who you are in Him as a son or Daughter of Christ!
I truly believe if you change your focus then it won't matter who pursues who, or if he or she likes you because you know God's will always prevails. You also know what God has put in your heart for a mate and you won't settle for anyone less then what He has for you, and until He tells you it's okay you focus on being a son or Daughter of the King!
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